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10 Things To Know About Watchmen

This being a Watchmen fan site, I tend to write most of my articles for the avid Watchmen fan.

Today, in the wake of some recent misleading news stories, ill-written reviews and blatant propaganda floating around the Net, I'm presenting this primer that will help the uninitiated get prepared to watch Watchmen.

10. It’s not a super hero movie

Don't go into this film expecting Fantastic Four or Spiderman 3. Why? Well, first off, Fantastic Four and Spiderman 3 sucked. Second, this film has a few things that those films didn't have — mainly plot, character, conflict, symbolism, tone, and allegory. “But it has super heroes in it — doesn't that make it a super hero movie?” Right, and Blade Runner is a “robot” movie.

9. There is a penis in it.

Hold on to your homophobic hats — there’s a male member in this film! Somebody call the cock police! Get over it, don't look at it, or get some therapy about that incident you had in gym class back when you were in junior high.

8. There is graphic sex and violence in it.

Several asshats on the Internet have been bitching about the amount of graphic violence in the film saying that it is “over-the-top” and baseless. These same individuals have also been known to stare directly into the sun and vote for Ross Perot. Yes, there is some graphic sex and violence in the film but it all has a point. It’s called deconstruction. Look it up.

7. This movie is not for children.

There is a reason there are ratings on films, and this one is rated R. If you take your seven year-old niece to see this movie, you should be reported to social services because you have the same judgment quotient as one of those guys you see on home video shows who rides his kid's BMX bike off of his roof into a half empty swimming pool. Still not sure why you shouldn’t take a kid to see this film? Go back and read number eight dumbass.

6. There are lots of flashbacks.

If your mind can't grasp a storyline that moves from 1985 to 1959 to 1977 either pop a few Ritalin during the coming attractions or just stay home. The flashbacks exist because the meat of Watchmen is character development. What's that? You like complex characters? Then this movie could be for you. Otherwise stick with stories published by Fisher Price.

5. Zack Snyder did not invent slow motion

Listen, slow motion has been used, and overused, by filmmakers for decades — it wasn't invented on the set of 300. WB may call Snyder a “visionary,” but he didn't earn that moniker by inventing the technique of ramping down film speed to add dramatic effect. Yes, it’s used in Watchmen, but it’s never overdone.

4. Nobody but Dr. Manhattan has any powers

Yes, that’s right. Nobody has any superpowers but the blue guy. The other heroes are highly skilled fighters and some of them are also incredibly strong and agile, but if you want to see the whole cast throwing cars, flying, and changing into lizards and shit, go watch X-Men.

3. You need to have at least a 7th grade understanding of history.

Not sure who won the Vietnam War? Unclear who Richard Nixon was? Never heard the term Cold War used before. Then instead of seeing this movie, go crack a book and go learn something. There won't be a test after Watchmen, but if your understanding of history comes from memorizing the lyrics to that Billy Joel song, this film is over your head.

2. This movie should not be compared to The Dark Knight

Great, you loved Dark Knight. You even signed that petition which would prevent any other actor again from playing the Joker because of what Heath Ledger did for the role. Good for you. But just because the word appears in the title doesn't mean the film is “dark.” Let's get this straight — Batman was trained by ninjas, drives a car with a jet engine and has a secret cave under his mansion… that's cool, not dark. No matter how gravelly Christian Bale’s voice gets, or how undersaturated the colors are in a Batman movie, it will never be as “dark” as Watchmen. Watchmen has a brutal attempted rape, a world on the brink of nuclear annihilation, and a child murderer who gets punished with a cleaver chop to his head — several times. Batman has a butler played by Michael Caine. Still think Batman is “dark?” Fuck-sake man, you’re amateur.

1. The movie requires you to think.

Watchmen is not a passive experience. It’s a complex and layered narrative and it requires you to pay attention. If you like that kind of movie, the kind you and your friends can have a meaningful and intellectual conversation about afterward, then you’re in for quite a ride. If you don’t like that kind of movie, go rent White Chicks from NetFlix and stay home.

Summary

Okay, so you read the above list and you're ready to see Watchmen. This doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to like it, but at least you're properly prepared and the chances you will like it have been significantly increased. You're welcome.

3.10.09 Source: WatchmenComicMovie.

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