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In Brazil, there's a soccer commentator called Galvão Bueno. People hate him for being well, boring, a pain-in-the-a*s, arrogant, stupid and well, a lot of things. he concentrates every kind of lame line and comparison when it comes to comment on a football match.
and I thought he was the only one. the following is the file of douche phrases said by brittish footb...I mean, soccer commentators, too...Galvão still is a teacher to them, but at least, I share his relieft if he gets to know he's got so dedicated pupils:
Colemanballs
Colemanballs is a term coined by Private Eye magazine to describe gaffes perpetrated by (usually British) sports commentators. It is derived from the surname of the now retired BBC broadcaster David Coleman.
Notable Colemanballs
He [Diawarea] brings out an extra six to twelve inches and it's a fantastic tackle.
Scott Minto, BBC
If he opens his legs, he'll be hard to handle.
Graham Taylor
Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy.
Jimmy Magee, RTÉ
Neil Harvey, standing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.
Brian Johnston, BBC
Botham struggled to get his leg over there.
Jonathan Agnew, BBC
Rutherford's asking the umpire how many balls he's got left... he's got two.
Bryan Waddle, Radio New Zealand
This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.
Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator
I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs...
Andy Gray, Sky Sports
The Czech Republic are coming from behind in more than one way now.
John Motson, BBC in 27th minute of World Cup 2006 game against Italy.
And Michael Schumacher just stood on his seat and pulled out something special.
Martin Brundle, ITV
Gary Neville says that Porto are a bunch of girls who go down too easily.
Peter Schmeichel
This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
Ted Walsh
The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey.
Brian Johnston, BBC Radio 4, Sky News
Reverend John, who is living with an openly gay partner, is no doubt feeling rather sore today.
Paul Handley, Radio 5 Live
Contradictions
And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.
David Coleman, BBC
Don't tell those coming in the result of that fantastic match, but let's have another look at Italy's winning goal...
David Coleman, BBC
What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio.
Gerry Francis
I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It's much the same as it is now, although now it's completely different.
Kevin Keegan, BBC
I imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable.
Murray Walker, BBC and ITV
Mansell knows exactly where he (Ayrton Senna) is because he can see him in his earphones.
Murray Walker, BBC and ITV
The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.
George Hamilton, RTÉ, referring to Roberto and Dino Baggio
The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes.
Steve Coppell, BBC Radio Five Live
Ralf Schumacher has been upstaged by the teenager Jenson Button, who is 20.
Murray Walker
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.
John Motson, BBC
He knows all about the Italian opposition, playing now in Turkey...
John Motson, BBC
You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall.
Mark Lawrenson, BBC
Billy Gilbert hit a kamikaze back pass which Justin Fashanu pounced on like a black Frank Bruno.
Ian Darke, BBC Radio. As most British people would know, Frank Bruno is black.
He's very quick for a man of his age. I suppose you'd call him ageless. He's 33 or 34.
David Pleat, ITV
I'm not going to drag it out or make a point, because points are pointless.
Simon Jordan BBC
He’ll have a pair of sharp and canny shoulders to listen to.
David Platt, BBC Radio 4
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.
Dave Bassett
Well Clive, it's all about the two 'M's - movement and positioning.
Ron Atkinson, ITV
Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with his hands in his tracksuit bottoms scratching his head.
Chris Kamara, Sky Sports
I'll be back in just 15 minutes in an hour's time.
Kirsty Young, Channel 5
Obviously it would be tough playing up in the Premiership next season, but I wouldn't lose any sleepless nights.
Alan Pardew, ITV
Rob McLean, (BBC Scotland): John Hartson is playing superbly today.
Sandy Clark: Yes, Rob, there's no one better today.
Rob McLean: So, Sandy, who is your man of the match?
Sandy Clark: Alan Thompson
Matches don't come any bigger than FA Cup quarter-finals
Neil Warnock, Radio 5 Live
You won't win silver medals at the Olympic Games unless you're the very very best.
Brendan Foster, BBC1
As soon as Lee Trundle scored that early goal for Swansea you always knew this wasn't going to be a nil-nil draw.
Matt Jones, Sky Sports
I hope it will encourage people to speak out against what they believe in.
Unattributed
The scoreline didn't reflect the result.
Marcus Buckland, Sky
If they are aware of it, they'll be oblivious of it.
David Pleat, Radio 5 Live
Fourth spot is what we're aiming for... we don't want to be second best.
Phil Neville, Sky Sports
Keith Gillespie just lacks a bit of inconsistency.
Graeme Le Saux, BBC
This isn’t a rational decision — I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while.
Ronnie O’Sullivan, BBC
And he's bowled Hansie Cronje neck and crop! Er...in fact, Jonty Rhodes, apologies to the skipper!
Bill Lawry, 9 Network, Australia
I'm not going to pick out anyone in particular, but Jay Jay Okocha should not be captain of a football club.
Rodney Marsh, Sky Sports
He [Souness] has just gone behind my back in front of my face.
Craig Bellamy, Sky Sports News
The locals won't come within miles of this place.
Natural World, BBC Two, 6 May 2008
Hyperbole
Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history of the game.
David Coleman, BBC, in 1962 World Cup, Chile vs Italy.
Coleman's words were not prophetic as he had already seen the recorded match. The match was one of the most ill-tempered in football history; two Italians were sent off and police had to intervene four times to limit on-pitch disturbances. See Battle of Santiago.
Lord Nelson! Lord Beaverbrook! Sir Winston Churchill! Sir Anthony Eden! Clement Attlee! Henry Cooper! Lady Diana! Vi har slått dem alle sammen, vi har slått dem alle sammen [we have beaten them all, we have beaten them all]. Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me? Maggie Thatcher... your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating!
Norwegian commentator Bjørge Lillelien, after his country's team defeated England 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier in September 1981
What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...
Simon Fanshawe, BBC Radio Five Live
Religion
The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers five times a day. You don't know if they're going to turn up for training. I'm being serious.
Don Howe
Freudian slips
Israel has been invaded by lesbian forces. (Instead of "Lebanese")
BBC Radio 4 newsreader
When is a draw not a draw?
His reign ended with that nil-all defeat by Switzerland at Lansdowne Road.
Colm Murray, RTÉ.
This refers to Brian Kerr, who was sacked as Republic of Ireland coach after the team failed to qualify for the 2006 FIFA World Cup. Ireland's draw in their last qualifying match eliminated them from further contention.
With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland...
Scottish Television
We thrashed Romania 0-0 in the first half...
Kevin Keegan
He [Sir Alex Ferguson] is such a hard worker - even at his age I bet there's no one in before him in the morning and no one leaves earlier than him in the evening.
Steve Burkinshaw
I'm 28 now, and they say you peak at 28 so my best years are still ahead of me.
Kieron Dyer, BBC1
Mixed metaphors
Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them.
Malcolm Macdonald
Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals.
George Hamilton, RTÉ
And Cristiano Ronaldo has hit the ball with every inch of his body weight!
Alan Dark
I think the big guns will come to the boil.
Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, World Cup 2006
And the Bulgarians are doing all they can here to waste every last inch of time in this game.
Colin MacNamara
That's another nail in his afternoon.
Mark Blundell
They've tasted the other side of the coin on so many occasions.
Andy Townsend
They (Scotland) are staring down the barrel of a wooden spoon.
Will Greenwood, Radio 5 Live
I bet Keegan will be jumping like a Jack in a Beanstalk.
Sky Sports News
We haven't had the rub of the dice.
Sir Bobby Robson
They've taken the horns by the scruff of the neck.
Tony Cascarino
It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road.
Alan Green, BBC Radio Five Live
It was a very hot potato at the time. We thought we'd put it to bed, but to have it regurgitated now is pointless.
Steve Coppell, Sky Sports News
We may finally be seeing the light at the end of the rainbow.
Neil Waka, Television New Zealand
I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
Stuart Pearce
When the chips are up against him, he pulls out all the stops.
Wimbledon commentator, on Bjorn Borg
This is all about historical events in the past.
Unattributed.
Questa è stata la scintilla che ha fatto traboccare la goccia. [This was the spark that spilled the drop.]
Fabio Noaro
...flying in like an express train.
ITV commentator, Roma vs. Manchester United, 1 April 2008
He's not the sharpest sandwich in the picnic.
Tony Cascarino, Talksport Radio
Stating the obvious
It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs.
David Coleman, BBC
If the ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal...
David Coleman, BBC
And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out.
Dave Bassett
With half the race gone, there is half of the race still to go
Murray Walker
A deflection - that's what changed the course of the ball.
Jim Beglin, ITV, 2006 World Cup
There's a real international flavour to this World Cup.
Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, 2006
It's raining very hard now and the players are getting wet.
Keith Quinn, Television New Zealand
The man (Alex Ferguson) is United. Cut him and he will bleed red.
Alan Brazil
It's raining and the track is wet.
Murray Walker
I think the batsman's strategy will be to make runs and not get out.
Richie Benaud, Channel 9 Australia
Once someone hits that puck it's going to keep going until it stops.
Unattributed
The key to winning a hockey game is to score more goals than your opponent.
Paul Steigerwald, Pittsburgh Penguins Announcer
All the speculation surrounding me is just speculation.
Alan Curbishley, BBC
Jagielka is related to his younger brother at Sheffield United, Phil.
Kevin Keatings, Radio 5 Live
The race has now been reduced to a number of riders.
Paul Sherwen, SkySport, on the 2008 Tour de France.
As they go through that sprint point, it's still the two leaders in front.
Paul Sherwen, SkySport, on the 2008 Tour de France.
Tongue-tied
He owes his defence a grat of debtitude there
Ex-Wolves striker Don Goodman as analyst during Sky Championship game
Owen runs like rabbit chasing after... What do rabbits run after? They run after nothing! Well, running after other rabbits.
Tom Tyrell
Oh dear, his right leg collided with himself there.
Mark Bright
Ian Pearce... has limped off with what looks like a shoulder injury.
Tony Cottee
Although we are playing Russian Roulette we are obviously playing Catch 22 at the moment and it's a difficult scenario to get my head round.
Paul Sturrock
We have to roll up our sleeves and get our knees dirty...
Howard Wilkinson, Radio 5 Live
He's a good goalkeeper, keeps his feet on the ground.
Mark Lawrenson, Football Focus
I've been asked that question for the last six months. It is not fair to expect me to make such a fast decision on something that has been put upon me like that.
Terry Venables
Mumbo Jumbo
We can't live in the past - we can only live in the future.
Glenn Roeder
If blood is thicker than water, it must also be thicker than a calendar or a small clock.
Esther Rantzen
I didn't see the point of hiding a bushel under a carpet...
Mel B
Too soon
There goes Paneira with his unique style... but wait, it's Veloso
Unknown commentator on RTP 1
And Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding a goal. Oh danger here...
George Hamilton, RTÉ
Only one team could win this match from here, and that's England.
Kevin Keegan, moments before Romanian Petrescu scored the winner against England in the 1998 World Cup.
Will he score here? Yes.
Kevin Keegan, as David Batty began his run-up to the penalty he missed, eliminating England from the 1998 FIFA World Cup
You won't win anything with kids.
Alan Hansen on Manchester United's young side from the 1995-96 season's opening day defeat. United went on to win the Premiership and FA Cup double that season
The Argentine defender wants shooting for a mistake like that.
Alan Hansen - this comment was made shortly after Colombia defender Andrés Escobar, who had conceded an own goal in an earlier match against the USA, was shot to death at a restaurant in his homeland
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